Self-Love

Are you thick-skinned or thin-skinned? In other words, do you take criticism well or dismiss it right away as gibberish? And why is it indispensable to practice self-love? Well, why don’t we find out by delving into our topic for today — Self-Love!

Just as I was about to head out of a nightclub in downtown Toronto, I found myself in the crosshairs of a tipsy stranger.

“Can you see that lady dancing over there?” asked the stranger.

“The one wearing the cherry spaghetti?” I said.

“Yeah…Isn’t she a bombshell?” 

“Totally” I replied.

“Well, she’s my wife.”

“Whoa! I’m sorry man. I didn’t realize it was your…”

“No, No, No, don’t be sorry”, the stranger interrupted. “Anyway, what I wanted to tell you is that she’s my third wife and I’m only 42 years old — feeling lucky as a man can be.”

“Really? What do you get married every 14 years?” I remarked.

That got the tipsy stranger cracking up and he later introduced me to his wife. We all ended up dancing together until the wee hours. What did I just do over here? I teased period.

Teasing by nature intends to poke fun and doubles up as an icebreaker when we bump into strangers. I tease all the time, my friends, acquaintances, colleagues and even the bosses I’ve worked for. That explains why I haven’t had a steady job, just kidding.  

Teasing is a fun activity for sure but there are certain things to keep in mind : 

• When you’re teasing the opposite sex especially young girls and women, avoid commenting on their body parts or using double entendres of obscene nature. In addition, refrain from staring, stalking, catcalling and groping. All of the afore-mentioned fall under the umbrella of “Eve-teasing”, which is the verbal-cum-nonverbal harassment of females by males. 
• Remember, teasing has to be fun for both parties involved. The moment it ceases to be for one, then it’s harassment. When you realize you’ve crossed a line, it’s best to apologize either offline or online. 

Criticism, on the other hand, may have unclear intent and could make or break our psyche depending on how we react to it. Growing up I was as thin as a pair of hockey sticks glued together. That invited quite a bit of criticism from family, friends and at times, my ex-girlfriend. However, it didn’t really affect me because by allowing room for people to tease or criticize, shuts down that part of my persona which demands undue respect and glory, plus it keeps me grounded. Wait, am I saying we need to be sitting ducks when people shoot us with their words? Not really, but then if you spend all your energy trying to shame the people who criticize you, it doesn’t do any good in the long run.  

When I was pursuing my masters’, we used to have our case study discussions. As students we were expected to participate in those discussions. We had to open our goddamn mouths and say something sensible, or else we ain’t gonna get our A’s. Classroom participation was a key component of the evaluation. In one of the sessions, the Economics professor picks on me and another student.

“This guy here has substance but lacks delivery, while this girl delivers well but lacks substance. You both need to learn from each other.”

At this point both the girl and I were taking glances at each other, not knowing how to respond. For one, it was embarrassing to be in a room full of your classmates and being singled out like this. To top it, the comparison made things even worse. 

“Should I give the professor negative feedback at the end of the semester for criticizing me and the girl? Or should I just let my friends know and they’d take care of him in the nastiest way possible outside the campus?” — As you can see, I wasn’t in the right headspace. Luckily, no emotional or bodily harm was inflicted on the professor. 

In retrospect, I believe the Economics professor was right. My delivery really needed improvement. I can deny this as much as I want but that ain’t gonna help. Going after the professor isn’t gonna help either. With great struggle, I chose to let go and accepted the fact that I suck at delivery. From there on, I started paying close attention to how I deliver something. When you do not give people the space to tease or criticize, you not only come off as standoffish but you also sever the feedback loop that will make you a better and stronger version of yourself. It’s natural to be defensive when met with criticism but a defensive approach might prevent people from walking up to you and telling what they truly want to tell you. When you set yourself up to hear only what you want to hear, you experience delusions of grandeur which over time contributes to your downfall. 

I recently watched “Titan” on Netflix — an interesting documentary on the OceanGate submersible disaster. The shocking part of this tragedy, in relative terms, is that it has less to do with nature’s fury and more to do with CEO Stockton Rush vehemently dismissing feedback from his employees about the safety of the carbon hull. Stockton only wanted to hear what he wanted to hear and those who spoke otherwise were fired. This toxic work ethic later cost his own life and the lives of those who were with him on that fateful day.

Adolf Hitler spent his last days inside a Berlin bunker denying the reality Germany was at the brink of losing the war. He was under the illusion Deutschland could still pull it off against the Soviets and their allies despite attempts by his inner circle advising him to negotiate a conditional surrender and save the remaining German population. Hitler couldn’t handle the criticism of being wrong and chose to surround himself amongst people who agreed with him. Anyone who disagreed or acted contrary to his orders were declared traitors and executed. Hitler, later took his own life leaving the country in ruins. 

Now that we understand the importance of criticism, how should we criticize others? The Dean of the university I once worked for told this about criticism — “Deepak, when you criticize people think of inserting a pin into a banana. You want to do it nice and smooth, making it seamless without butchering the recipient.”

When I was in high school, there was this one particular teacher I remember who went overboard with criticism when distributing our answer sheets in the classroom. The teacher picked on a close friend of mine because he scored the lowest mark in the exam. He wanted to teach him a lesson and sort of make a spectacle out of it. The teacher kicked things off by telling the class how miserable my friend was and that he lacked any real talent. The teacher did everything in his power to disesteem him. He acted in a morose and unsociable manner. He showed his paper to the entire class and jeered at him for repeating the questions on the answer sheet. He called him names. He insulted his family. He raised his free arm in a flurry of invective. This left my friend humiliated in front of everyone. It was too much to take and later that night, the poor chap tries to commit suicide, but fortunately fails in his attempt.

This is an example of how not to criticize someone. The high school teacher ain’t inserting a pin here, but a knife which almost had the recipient butchered. Calling someone a piece of shit or telling them to swallow a cyanide pill doesn’t help, but only destroy them on the inside. With the emergence of social media, criticism has moved to a whole new level. Hateful comments don’t just come from people we know, but also from strangers peppered across the globe. These days we seem to care more about what others write about us on social media than what we think about ourselves. When the people who hate us online outnumber the ones who love us in real life, we begin to question our self-worth and place in the society. 

Take for instance, the 23 year old Canadian adult film star, August Ames who took her own life a day after a tirade of abuse was directed at her on Twitter. And this tirade started for what? — A tweet she posted which was deemed homophobic! Ms. Ames was a victim of cyber-bullying. This is what destructive criticism can achieve. As a rule of thumb, criticize people the way you want them to criticize you. When you’re commenting online, please don’t forget there’s a human being reading your comment at the other end, not some lifeless machine. Whether you choose to tease or criticize make sure you do it with good intentions.

What if someday you were to find yourself in a situation similar to Ms. Ames? What if people write dreadful comments about you on social media? Would you just keep dousing the flames by responding to them back and forth? Or is there something you can do to prepare yourself for the shit storm? Well, here it goes…

• Take a break : Take a break from social media. Checking it constantly will drive you insane.
• Think twice : Think twice before posting something on social media because it comes with its consequences. If you ain’t ready to deal with the aftermath, better to stay away.
• Don’t overshare : You don’t have to let social media know everything about you. At times, it makes perfect sense to not be an open book. 
• Let it not dictate :Never allow social media to dictate your happiness or sadness. Neither be over the moon when you’re getting attention nor drown in sorrow when you’re not. 
• Stop replying : Reply to comments if necessary. You are under no obligation to respond to your haters, plus you can’t fight fire with fire anyway.
• Eat the humble pie : If you realize your comments have been blown out of proportion and offering further clarification doesn’t help, it’s best to suck up your ego and eat the humble pie. This will put an end to your agony rather than prolong it. 
• No bandwagoning : When you spot people teaming up and lambasting somebody to get their jollies, don’t  blindly join the bandwagon, instead ask yourself whether you’d do that to your brother or sister?
• Take a chill pill : Start getting comfortable with being teased by your friends, colleagues or acquaintances. Don’t stop them, instead partake in it. This will force you to take things in the right spirit and not send you on a downward spiral when criticized. 
• Tease please! : Why don’t you get into the habit of teasing people? Crack jokes about them, mess with their heads and keep things light and fun. This will help forge a tolerant society that’ll let us off the hook when we say or write something stupid, for society is what we shape it to be.
• You know better : If people denounce you on social media, it doesn’t imply they are 100% right. They can be wrong too. I say this because when people make comments (including myself), they do so based on publicly available information, but there are many facets to your personality which no one knows except you. So don’t be hard on yourself. 
• No to suicide :When people’s comments have hurt you so bad that suicide is all you can think of, close your eyes for a moment and think about the people who love you the most. They are enough of a reason to carry on. 
• Practice self-love : And finally, no one’s judgement about you is more important than what you think about yourself. Value your inner being even if the whole world doesn’t. Practice self-love, my dear!

That’s a wrap on this article about self-love. Hope you found it useful. Thank you for your time and I’ll see you soon, ciao!