Childfree womb is a country’s tomb.
– Deepak Paul
These days its not unusual to run into childfree women and couples, and though the sensible thing to do would be to just respect their choices, sadly, there’s a cost the society has to bear when there’s a failure to bear fruit and pass the baton. What’s the cost and where will this decision to go childfree take us? Well, let’s find out by delving into our topic for today — O Baby, Where Art Thou?
Recently, I had an interesting date with a woman who was a self-proclaimed feminist. We were watching a Jim Carrey movie, drinking wine and laughing. Halfway through the movie, I hit the pause button and got chatty. I wanted to know more about her, and her plans for the future. She told me she’s currently working on an app, and wants to become an entrepreneur. Without disclosing any details about her business idea, she said she’s sitting on a 100 million dollar goldmine. The more she talked, the more she oozed confidence and charm, which I found very attractive.
Later on, the conversation segued into kids and her choice to go childfree. As much as I’d like to not ruin the date with non-flirtive conversations, I still wanted to know why she decided to go childfree.
“I don’t want kids. I really don’t like them. I just want to be single and live my life, free from all the aches that come with having children.”
“Aches???” I was perplexed.
“I have plans to go to Bali and live like a digital nomad. I want to build my business from there and become an independent business woman. That’s my dream. I don’t think I have the time, finances or the social battery to start a family.”
“If every woman thinks the same, who will be the customers for your business?” I asked softly.
“You know what? A.I. technology is going to cut down the workforce. We won’t be needing that many human lives, plus immigrants are there to fix population issues anyway”, she responded. Ironically, the woman herself is a naturalized immigrant who moved to Canada, a decade back.
“What if both our parents thought it was unnecessary to have us, would you and me be having this conversation?”, I wasn’t going down without a quiet riot.
“Just be frank with me, do you really enjoy life, Deepak?”, she asked me.
“Yes and No.” I replied.
“Mine’s a NO. I would’ve been better off if my parents had chosen not to have me.”
At this point, I unpaused the Jim Carrey movie to let it work it’s magic because my wonky attempts at courting a childfree feminist over wine were clearly failing.
My late dad and the son of a poor farmer, used to often share a story with me. The story of how he struggled to feed me when I was an infant. “The first drop of baby formula that went into your mouth was on borrowed money,” was his most quoted one-liner. Fast forward to the present day, my late dad had retired as Professor and Vice-Principal of the college he worked for, mom retired as Professor too, my sister and I are well-educated and settled here in Canada.
Let’s hit the pause button again and reflect on the humble beginnings of my family. My late dad didn’t have the means to even buy baby formula, leave along owning a house, car or other material possessions required for decent living. This left him emasculated. When my sister and I were kids we used to hangout at our neighbour’s to watch our favourite cartoon shows, Scooby Doo, and Captain Planet and the Planeteers. We didn’t have a telly back then, and my mom felt terrible because it meant she wasn’t able to provide as a parent.
Incidents such as these during the early years of marriage shaped my dad and mom and over time, they were ready, willing and able to take on the world for the family. Today we own all the material possessions that were out of reach at one point, and not to forget, we can afford as many baby formulas as we want. Raising a family isn’t a walk in the park, but you still need to take that walk to realize your own potential. If my family can, you all can with grit and determination.
Though the difference between living for oneself, and living and providing for kids, is scraping through to make ends meet for most people, but when we’ve sowed the human seed the world will reap what comes out of it. The world has witnessed the likes of Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Steve Jobs, and so on, because their mothers took the first basic step of having them in their womb. For all the non-mothers by choice out there, aren’t you depriving the world of the next trailblazer who would move the needle of human civilization? Isn’t the hand that rocks the cradle the hand that rules the world?
If you’ve convinced yourself that today’s cost of living makes it impossible to have a child, well, think again, because back then the wages were low and there were fewer jobs. It took 10 years for my late dad to get a permanent position despite completing his masters’ at an early age. These days you can make money with just a laptop and internet connection, or learn new skills and network with people without having to travel. Look at how sophisticated our lives have become and yet, we crib about being unable to raise a child citing unaffordability.
For those who think your parents did a terrible job in raising you, and you are worried you’d do the same to your future kids, well why don’t you think of it this way — You now have a golden opportunity to be the parent you always wanted your parents to be! And when you muster up to offer what you didn’t receive, won’t it make you a better human being? Won’t it make the world around you a better place because you just played your little part to change it?
There was this occasion when I was running late and tried to take the car out of the garage. My dad had parked it the night before. As I reversed the car from the garage in a hurry, the car veered to the left because the steering wheel wasn’t straight and before I knew it, the car boot caressed the garage wall scratching the paint. I stopped the car, got out and shouted at my dad for not parking the car properly.
“You should’ve set the steering straight, look at what has happened now. All because of you!!!”
To my impolite accusation, my dad responded politely. This is what he said. “If your dad forgot to set things straight, won’t you do it for him then?”
In retrospect, my dad’s not at fault here. I should’ve checked the steering wheel and reversed the car slowly, but even if it were 100% my dad’s fault, what stopped me from fixing it? Should things always be handed down perfectly for us to hand it down perfectly to someone else? If we don’t like what we see, why don’t we change it?
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” — This is one of my favourite quotes of Gandhi and you now know why it appeals to me.
“I cannot be a good parent because I don’t have the knowledge or skills to be one”.
If this resonates with you, then tell me how many out there really posses the skills to start a family? No one does, you get good as you go along, much like anything in life. If you’re learning to play the guitar, you don’t become an iconic guitarist on day one. You start out strumming simple chords, progressions, playing licks, phrases, you write songs, sell albums, do concerts, and then one day you are probably told you are iconic. The Pink Floyd guitarist and legend, David Gilmour started off learning D-major chord on the guitar his parents gifted to him on his 16th birthday. The rest is history, but the start was a basic D-major chord. No one does a doctorate to become a parent, you start by being a parent first and the rest will follow.
“World is not a safe place, why do I need to raise a child here? Children get shot in the U.S. and kidnapped at gunpoint in Nigerian schools, I don’t want that happening to my kid. Let the world become a safe place first and then I’ll think about putting new lives into it.”
If safety is high on your agenda, then tell me do you stop commuting because accidents happen on the road? Everyday there are accidents and people die, but has that prevented you from travelling? It’s a risk you factor-in when you step out of the house. A mother turtle doesn’t quit giving birth to baby turtles because they get eaten by birds, racoons or die of climate change, hunting or smuggling by humans. In spite of the obstacles that lie in the baby’s path, the message a mother turtle sends to its baby turtle is to keep striving to reach the ocean and complete the journey. Isn’t the mother turtle creating a stronger progeny by just putting them out there to face the world?
“I don’t need to have a kid because my friend Sally has 5 kids, and her brother Bill has 3 kids. Why can’t I think one of the kids are mine?”
If you think the next person is stepping in for you when you don’t have a kid of your own, the reality, however, is strikingly different. Ideally, 2.1 children per woman is required for the country to replace it’s dying population, also known as the replacement level fertility rate or total fertility rate. So if you are a couple, you need at least two kids to replace yourselves after you die or else the population will shrink over time.
As per a Statistics Canada report, Canada’s fertility rate fell to a record low of 1.26 children per woman in 2023. It was 1.33 in 2022. So the argument that Sally or Bill is having more kids and freeing you of your parenthood is factually incorrect. The plummeting fertility rate isn’t just Canada’s problem, it’s a global phenomenon now. Even densely populated countries like China, infamous for coming up with its one-child policy initiative in the late 1970s, has completely changed its stance on population now. In 2016, China replaced its one-child policy with two-child policy, and in 2021, it replaced its two-child policy with three-child policy. Please note China is no more the world’s largest country in terms of population, it has been surpassed by India. Speaking of India, its fertility rate has dropped below 2.1 and is forecasted to drop further in the coming years.
“I don’t want to be a burden to my children when I get old. By choosing to go childless, I avoid the situation.”
To those who think like this, there is something called the workers-to-retirees ratio, which basically tells us the number of workers available per retiree in the population for a given year. Post the baby-boom era, the number of workers per retiree has been on a decline in Canada, whilst the life expectancy has increased. This means the government is dealing with way more pensioners each year than working class which puts its balance sheet out of balance. As you know, workers pay the bulk of taxes which government needs to fund important services like pension payments to retirees. As the number of retirees grow, and workers decline, government will come under increasing financial strain, and it will be forced to cut down on entitlement programs, increase taxes, or increase the retirement age to defer pension payments. As a matter of fact, the French government raised their retirement age from 62 to 64 in 2023 amidst violent protests.
Also, less children translates to less workers and creates labour shortage. Just think what would happen to critical sectors like healthcare which rely on doctors and nurses graduating from med school. The government is now forced to open its borders and use immigration to close the gap, but immigration comes with its pros and cons. If the cons outweigh the pros, immigration is not a viable option for the government no more, leaving it in a sticky spot.
Let me give you an example. Canada has been actively recruiting Filipino nurses to fill its nursing shortage for quite some time, but this has inadvertently led to creating nursing shortage for Philippines itself. Now, who’s gonna take care of Filipino patients? Is the Canadian government at fault for allowing this to happen, or it’s reacting to your decision to not inject new lives? I understand there are other factors contributing to the fiasco but the decision to abstain from motherhood is still your decision not the government’s. If the thought of being a burden to your children troubles you, why doesn’t the thought of being a burden to your country and at times other countries ever cross your mind?
“There’s already 8 billion in the planet and counting. Adding to it will increase the cost to the environment, so no point perpetuating.”
Governments are working on going green today more than they ever did. Climate change is being taken seriously and over the course of time, we will witness more and more products designed with less impact to the environment. But to even get there, we need more investment and workers. Where are we going to find them with the current population trends? No one’s going to have 8 kids anymore except for a few celebrities, those days are done and dusted. The onus here is to maintain a stable population and prevent it from rapidly ageing, but all things considered, this seems out of reach because two of the most populated countries in the world, India and China, both exhibit declining fertility rates.
“Government will find a way somehow, I don’t have to bother about going childless.”
However optimistic we may be, government cannot magically resolve anything without our help and support. Just think about this, today we are able to sit in a room with people from all kinds of races and cultures right next to each other. It was the very dream of the civil rights activist, Martin Luther King Jr., and the dream has come to pass. If people like Mr. King had waited for the government to find a way, I don’t know how long it would’ve taken for us to be the inclusive society we are today. When we know we can fix certain problems by our own effort and within our lifespan, why can’t we spare the government so that it can focus on tackling other issues?
“What if my future kid turns out to be a bad apple?”
If you’re worried your future kid will be the exact opposite of what you envisioned, put yourself in the shoes of a baseball batter. As you know, the baseball batter swings at the pitcher’s pitches with the intention of hitting a home-run on every single ball, but is that actually possible? Absolutely not and even the batter knows it, but why does he still swing his bat? Besides being paid to do it, the odds of hitting a home-run with multiple swings are better when compared to just swinging once and quitting. Therefore, if you’re worried about your kid not turning out the way you’d like, why don’t you have more kids then? At least, one of them might end up being the kid you truly adore.
I have done too many bad things in my life. I’m worried my children will be punished for bad karma.
If you are thinking on these lines, let me remind you, no one’s perfect here. We have all done our share of mistakes, but then, to have the heart to acknowledge, correct oneself and press forward in the right direction is when we mature as human beings. To use your past wrongs as an alibi to go childless is tantamount to staying immature and never really growing up to be the human being you could possibly be.
“What about the kids in the foster system already? Who will raise them?”
Well, there are couples who want to have children but are unable to, also known as, childless by circumstance. With more couples deferring the decision to have children for a suitable time in the future, and unintentionally, becoming childless by circumstance, foster kids are a lifeline for them. If we can’t have one of our own, we can always adopt. This will help relieve the foster system.
“I’m fed up with my miscarriages, I don’t think I can deliver a child.”
If you’re in this phase, just remember you are not alone. At a baby shower I last attended, the mom-to-be opened up about her struggles with miscarriage. The doctor had informed her that a future baby maybe out of the question because of the complications involved.Exactly a month after the doctor made that statement, she got pregnant again, this time with a healthy baby and since then, she’s been busy counting her days for delivery. This ain’t a one-off story, there’s a growing number experiencing miscarriages. The reasons could vary from woman to woman, but the thing to note is you’re NOT ALONE.
Being a male, I got no skin in the game but I can still tell you this — Every failed attempt at having a kid might just be an attempt away from having one, so don’t lose hope my dear and beat yourself to death. Bringing new life into the world is no easy task, and it comes with its complexities which can, of course, be greatly reduced by choosing to have children before 30. The biological clock ticks exponentially past that threshold throwing new complications into the mix. But come what may, stay strong, be relentless, and what you’re seeking will seek you!
“I have entrepreneurship dreams. I cannot imagine raising a child.”
Did having a toddler son prevent Chris Gardener from starting his own brokerage firm, and becoming the subject for the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness? Do you think my parents didn’t have any dreams of their own? They had dreams too, but children were also part of their dream. They always saw us, their children, as a blessing and not a burden.
How do households subscribed to childfree lifestyle still find a way to take care of their fur babies — their dogs and cats? Is it because they are a cost-effective substitute for a real baby? I don’t think we attribute the value of a furless baby to be lesser than that of a fur baby, or do we? Let me give you three reasons why we shouldn’t and why fur babies can never replace the furless :
i) Furs don’t have the number of senses we human beings have which is essential to fix our burgeoning problems
ii) Furs cannot reproduce human beings
iii) Furs don’t pay taxes
Having more furs on the ground, however adorable they are, is not going to resolve our issues, but having the furless can, well, at least in countries with ageing populations like Japan, South Korea, Canada and so on. If you think immigration is going to cut it for us, I beg to differ. As per a recent poll conducted by the Angus Reid institute, only 61% of immigrants who move to Canada actually want to stay here, the remaining 39% are seriously considering leaving the province/country, and this percentage is expected to increase with anti-immigration sentiment on the rise. With immigrants in the mindset of leaving, and couples wanting to go childfree, will the population issue resolve by itself?
If we think technology is going to offset the reduction in human lives, please note that it will also reduce the number of consumers and taxpayers. When companies are inherently started with shareholder wealth maximization as their top priority, how will this materialize if consumers are on the decline? Also, producer is a consumer too. Fewer consumers translate to fewer producers and fewer products, lower GDP and a shrinking economy.
Women have come a long way from the patriarchal times of being valued more for their fecundity and housekeeping, thanks to feminism. Women have now risen to top ranks in business, politics, entertainment and are at the forefront of everything. A case in point — Taylor Swift’s recently concluded Eras tour generated 2 billion USD in revenue, making it the highest grossing tour in history. There’s no denying the new normal warrants a big fat celebration, but then, it seems to have also added a layer of uncertainty around whether women would be fulfilling their biological responsibility or not. This spells doom for humankind because if women don’t make the choice to bear a child, then what’s the alternative? Can a man, dog, cat, or tree, discharge the duty?
Some may argue I’m infringing on women’s reproductive rights and free will. I plead guilty, but fulfilling your biological responsibility doesn’t have to become your destiny. If you view motherhood as a trade off for a successful career, take my mom again for instance. When I was two years old, she left abroad to work for economical reasons and I would see her only for 45 days in a year for the next three decades. It was my late dad who raised me and my sister. The three of us never stood in the way of mom’s progress. Our presence in her life didn’t hold back her promotions, her higher studies, her goals and ambitions. We as a family have always supported her endeavours and would definitely want to see more women like her being empowered to pursue their dreams. Didn’t the late U.S. Supreme Court justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg fight her way in court with her supportive husband and children standing by her? Did starting a family stop the American evangelist, Joyce Meyer from becoming what she set out to become? If you’re fierce about what you want to do, nothing can hold you back period.
Women are the blessed of all creatures because of their uncanny ability to bring new life into the world, something their male counterparts cannot. When women forgo their biological responsibility citing career development, unaffordability, or by hiding behind the esoteric curtains of childfree feminism amongst other idiosyncrasies, they unknowingly destroy the very fabric of the society they are a part of. The need of the hour is babies coming out of the womb, not excuses from the mouth. Therefore, put that precious womb of yours to work and allow the flesh of your flesh to exist in the flesh. Will you, my darling?
References
https://ifstudies.org/blog/1-in-4-projecting-childlessness-among-todays-young-women
https://www.asiapacific.ca/sites/default/files/publication-pdf/Insight_SEA_July06_V2.pdf
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-65279818
https://www.cbc.ca/news/entertainment/taylor-swift-eras-tour-commercial-success-1.7405208#:~:text=Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour, ending,to the New York Times.