Anger Hat

Knowing when to show anger and when to cut it out takes a bit of astuteness. But like me, if being astute is not really a strength of yours where does that leave you? With conventional wisdom calling for anger to be purged, would such an approach really work? Well, why don’t we find out by delving into our topic for today — Anger Hat!

Back in the day when I was working as a professor, I experienced an odd moment when one of my students went behind my back and complained to my colleague. The complaint was relating to my pedagogy. When I got to know about this, it riled me up instantly. I found the complaint appalling as the student was very irregular to my classes and never really kept up with what was going on, plus I was upset for not being confronted directly. I really wanted to have a hard talk with the student but I was afraid if I do, I might end up offending him to the point he wouldn’t show up to my class again. With the next day being a Friday, I decided to take the day off and use the long weekend to calm myself. Thank God it’s Friday!

When the time came to get back into class again, my anger had worn off. Regardless, I made a presentation about why I teach the way I teach and stressed the importance of confronting me directly lest any issues may arise in the future. The presentation was well received and the student kinda understood his mistake. More than trying to prove a point here, I was delaying my immediate response which would’ve most likely been hurtful. And by doing so, I expressed myself in the least offensive way to the student.

What really goes on when we get angry? Let’s go behind the scenes and uncover its inner workings. When we are angry with someone, we’re most likely thinking only from our perspective and not from theirs. Our choice of words would be a reflection of our standpoint seeking to annihilate anything that challenges it. 

To understand the concept, let’s analyze this scene from a popular Indian movie called “Thalapathi”. The hero is an orphan and gangster throughout his life with no idea of who his parents are. But all of a sudden to his disbelief, he is informed that his mother is alive. The hero dismisses this as absurd and in a fit of rage claims that he doesn’t have a mom because if he had one she wouldn’t have left him. At this juncture, the hero is presented with the mother’s perspective of why she had left him. It’s revealed that his mother was only 14 years old when she gave birth to him and that too out of wedlock which is considered taboo in conservative societies, and as much as she wanted to keep the baby, she thought it was best to let it go. After hearing the mother’s perspective, the hero’s heart melts and with it his anger too.

Now that we know anger prevents us from looking at the other person’s viewpoint, what can we do about it? I would suggest the first thing to do is detach yourself from the situation and give sufficient time to calm down. Once you realize you’ve regained your elements, that’s when your mind begins to function as it should. Now it becomes relatively easier to look at different angles and get to the bottom of the situation without anger playing spoilsport. 

How to calm yourself if you care to ask? Well, it varies from individual to individual. For some it would mean taking the day off, or going for a run, or doing meditation, there’s no one shoe size fits all. Whatever works for you!

Before we double down on the conventional narrative that anger is bad and its got to be purged, let’s talk about my gentleman boss with whom I had the pleasure of working with during my teaching days. My boss, like I said earlier, was a gentleman and in every sense of the word. He would never lash out at anyone and if my memory serves right, I’ve never witnessed an occasion when he lost it. His congeniality knows no bounds and you can be rest assured that you’d be treated with dignity and respect at all times. If he wants something to be taken care of, he would request politely and never command. Also, he’s a smooth talker and our go-to-guy to pacify students when they go bananas. But as time went by, people took advantage of his niceness. During team meetings my boss would crib to the super boss about why he was doing the bulk of the work and the team not stepping up to lessen the burden. The remedy is pretty obvious, one can’t be nice all the time. It makes perfect sense to crack the whip sometimes without destroying morale and anger is necessary to achieve that. However, the thing to watch out is how we choose to express our anger. Just because we are angry, that doesn’t mean we are free to do the following :

• Using racial slurs, like for instance, calling Blacks — Niggers
• Engaging in intimate partner violence 
• Participating in acts of vandalism
• Wearing symbols of hate and promoting crimes against humanity

Stay clear of these territories because that’s when anger gets obnoxious. Anger, according to me, is like the heat to an iron box. Too much of it will burn a hole and too less achieves nothing.

What if our anger never deserts us, instead gets pent up with every passing day? Well, there are healthy ways to diffuse it as embodied by visionaries like the Indian billionaire and founder of Thyrocare Technologies, Mr. Arokiasamy Velumani. Velumani, the son of a poor landless farmer, completes his bachelor of science in Chemistry in the year 1978 and like any other graduate, searches for a job. In the process, he fails in 50 interviews and the reason for rejection was attributed to his fresher status. The young Velumani was angry and frustrated at the system — To find a job one needed experience, but to gain experience one needed a job. Facing this catch-22 situation, Velumani decided that if he starts a company, he would mostly recruit freshers with little to no experience. Years later, his dreams come true. Thyrocare Technologies, a testing facility based in Mumbai to detect thyroid disorders is established and since then has grown to be the blue chip company it is today. Not only did his business venture make thyroid testing affordable for India’s poor but also recruited around 25,000 freshers — mission accomplished!

What if the person or society had committed an unpardonable crime against you and every time you think about it, you burn with anger? What if there’s no healthy way in sight to get over anger? Let’s look at a lady who defied the odds and showed us how anger can still be undone. 

The Staines are an Australian missionary family of five who ran a leprosy home in India and engaged in evangelism. On one bizarre night, when Graham Staines along with his two young sons were fast asleep in their station wagon, a local mob led by a psychopath named Dara torched the wagon over rumours that their village is being forcibly converted to Christianity. Despite the victims’ attempts to escape after waking up, Dara and the mob never allowed them and made sure all three were burnt to death huddled together. When the news of her husband and sons’ death breaks out, wife Gladys Staines immediately finds her only remaining part of the family, daughter Esther, and tells her, “It seems like we’ve been left alone, but we will forgive.” 

“Yes, Mommy, we will,” answered Esther, who was thirteen years old at that time.

Though the culprits were later nabbed and brought to justice, the Aussie widow’s message of forgiveness during the darkest hour of her life took India by surprise. 

This is an extreme example but if we do face a situation in our lives when there’s no healthy outlet for our anger, let’s pivot to Gladys Staines. Can society ever give back what it took from her — the life of her husband and two sons? Yet, she chose to forgive and allowed law to take its course. The burning anger that ensues from injustice can still be extinguished with forgiveness if we make the tough choice to pursue it. Whether you are a man or woman, it’s noble qualities like forgiveness which will elevate you into a league of your own.

We have all worn different hats in our lives and continue to explore new ones so to speak. Wouldn’t it be cool to consider anger as a hat too, wearing it when it’s necessary and taking it off when it isn’t? ‘Cos anger is a virtue if channeled in the right direction, in the right proportion and at the right time. Despite the bad rap anger often gets for its toxic after-effects, just like any other emotion, if managed well, can make a difference to your life and to those around.